1
00:00:19,145 --> 00:00:20,369
For dessert,
I'm going to make you
2
00:00:20,445 --> 00:00:22,679
some homemade chocolate pudding,
all right?
3
00:00:22,690 --> 00:00:24,272
I don't like
the skin on top.
4
00:00:24,150 --> 00:00:26,516
I know. I'm going to pull
the skin off for you, okay?
5
00:00:26,527 --> 00:00:27,651
Don't worry about it.
6
00:00:27,728 --> 00:00:28,718
Hey, good morning,
7
00:00:28,696 --> 00:00:29,853
Ms. Allen,
how you doing?
8
00:00:29,930 --> 00:00:31,447
Oh, uh, fine, uh...
9
00:00:31,523 --> 00:00:34,191
I, uh, guess you
didn't get my message.
10
00:00:34,267 --> 00:00:36,401
No, I didn't.
What, is this a problem?
11
00:00:36,478 --> 00:00:38,070
We need Bryana's
immunization records.
12
00:00:38,146 --> 00:00:39,488
After last night's
board meeting,
13
00:00:39,498 --> 00:00:41,823
no student can attend school
without them.
14
00:00:41,900 --> 00:00:43,366
I'm really sorry,
15
00:00:43,443 --> 00:00:45,043
but I did leave you a message.
That ain't no problem.
16
00:00:45,120 --> 00:00:47,454
Probably back at home somewhere.
Baby girl, you go on to class.
17
00:00:47,531 --> 00:00:49,164
I'm going to run home
and get your records for you.
18
00:00:49,175 --> 00:00:51,875
Oh, I'm-I'm so sorry.
19
00:00:51,952 --> 00:00:53,510
My hands are tied here.
20
00:00:53,587 --> 00:00:55,629
What you trying to say, Ms.
Allen? She can't go to school?
21
00:00:55,705 --> 00:00:57,681
Oh, we don't like to use
the word "can't," but yes.
22
00:00:57,758 --> 00:00:59,674
That's some bull. Now I got
to go all the way home
23
00:00:59,685 --> 00:01:01,426
and look for some records
in the drawer.
24
00:01:01,503 --> 00:01:02,728
Come on, baby girl.
That's some bull.
25
00:01:02,805 --> 00:01:06,890
What do they think,
baby girl got SARS or Ebola?
26
00:01:06,967 --> 00:01:08,558
Nothing wrong with that girl.
27
00:01:08,635 --> 00:01:10,143
Her flesh is intact.
28
00:01:10,220 --> 00:01:12,145
They just want
to mess up my day.
29
00:01:12,222 --> 00:01:15,407
I only got four hours of peace
as it is.
30
00:01:20,647 --> 00:01:21,705
Wow.
31
00:01:21,782 --> 00:01:25,209
JORDAN:
Ow!
32
00:01:25,285 --> 00:01:28,161
Ow! Ow! Ow, Vanessa!
33
00:01:28,238 --> 00:01:30,872
Ow! Ow, Vanessa! Ow!
34
00:01:30,949 --> 00:01:33,959
What's going on in there? Hey!
35
00:01:33,969 --> 00:01:34,968
I can't breathe!
36
00:01:35,045 --> 00:01:36,419
You're not hurt...
37
00:01:36,496 --> 00:01:38,505
not like you're going to be.
Vanessa,
38
00:01:38,582 --> 00:01:40,006
stop strangling
your brother.
39
00:01:40,083 --> 00:01:43,844
Hey, don't push your
brother. Come on.
40
00:01:43,920 --> 00:01:44,728
I'm okay.
41
00:01:47,757 --> 00:01:49,457
Come on, now.
42
00:01:49,235 --> 00:01:50,776
You're older than
him, and you're
bigger than him.
43
00:01:50,853 --> 00:01:53,103
Choking him and
pushing him is not
going to solve anything.
44
00:01:53,180 --> 00:01:54,488
Want to bet?
45
00:01:56,016 --> 00:01:57,482
I'm just going to kick him
a little bit.
46
00:01:57,559 --> 00:01:59,192
Oh, I don't think so.
Softly.
47
00:01:59,203 --> 00:02:00,986
No.
Just one time.
48
00:02:01,062 --> 00:02:03,697
Take it down.
Have a seat.
49
00:02:03,773 --> 00:02:06,324
Okay, so, did you, like,
hear your niece and your nephew
50
00:02:06,401 --> 00:02:07,617
upstairs trying
to kill each other?
51
00:02:07,694 --> 00:02:09,953
Trying? Please tell me
one of 'em succeeded.
52
00:02:10,030 --> 00:02:12,414
No, I got there
in time to referee.
53
00:02:12,424 --> 00:02:14,758
I thought you had
some good news, baby,
54
00:02:14,835 --> 00:02:16,051
'cause I could
sure use some.
55
00:02:16,128 --> 00:02:17,761
I can't find baby
girl's medical records.
56
00:02:19,039 --> 00:02:20,430
Damn!
57
00:02:20,507 --> 00:02:22,090
I thought you said
you were going to clean up
58
00:02:22,167 --> 00:02:23,483
some of this mess, honey.
59
00:02:23,560 --> 00:02:24,134
Well, why you holdin'
onto your past
60
00:02:24,145 --> 00:02:26,219
so hard for, Wanda?
61
00:02:26,296 --> 00:02:29,848
Geez, now, look at...
look at this... disco boot.
62
00:02:29,925 --> 00:02:33,268
♪♪
63
00:02:33,279 --> 00:02:35,737
Yeah, excuse me. Those are
your boots.
Really?
64
00:02:37,182 --> 00:02:40,659
Yeah... Earth, Wind, and Fire
phase, yeah.
65
00:02:40,736 --> 00:02:42,411
♪♪
66
00:02:50,070 --> 00:02:51,411
Uncle Bernie,
67
00:02:51,488 --> 00:02:53,663
can I go back
to school tomorrow?
68
00:02:53,740 --> 00:02:55,457
Baby girl, I'm waiting
on your medical records
69
00:02:55,533 --> 00:02:57,334
to come back from Chicago.
70
00:02:57,410 --> 00:02:59,961
So when can I go back to school?
71
00:03:00,038 --> 00:03:03,381
Baby girl, I just don't know
right now. I just don't know.
72
00:03:03,458 --> 00:03:06,051
Hey, I'm going to rip
your lungs out.
73
00:03:06,127 --> 00:03:08,011
It was an accident.
74
00:03:08,088 --> 00:03:09,137
All right, calm down.
75
00:03:09,214 --> 00:03:11,181
Calm down.
What happened?
76
00:03:11,258 --> 00:03:12,933
He spilled sauce on me
on purpose.
77
00:03:13,009 --> 00:03:15,018
Sorry.
See, he apologized.
78
00:03:15,095 --> 00:03:16,528
Now, everybody,
let's just eat.
79
00:03:20,600 --> 00:03:23,026
Ah! She's going to stab me!
80
00:03:23,103 --> 00:03:23,952
What?
81
00:03:25,772 --> 00:03:28,207
I just dropped my fork.
82
00:03:32,004 --> 00:03:33,954
She was going to stab him.
83
00:03:33,964 --> 00:03:35,272
I saw it in her eyes.
84
00:03:35,349 --> 00:03:36,581
Hey, baby, kids.
They were fighting.
85
00:03:36,658 --> 00:03:37,958
That's what they
do. They fight.
86
00:03:38,034 --> 00:03:40,418
I never had that level
of hostility with my brothers.
87
00:03:40,495 --> 00:03:42,471
Well, baby, where
they're from, that's
how they fight.
88
00:03:42,547 --> 00:03:44,673
You and your brother
from some other stuff.
89
00:03:44,749 --> 00:03:46,207
What stuff?
90
00:03:46,285 --> 00:03:48,468
The "look it up
on the Internet",
"talk it out" stuff.
91
00:03:48,545 --> 00:03:50,387
Sweetheart, they gettin'
too wild for you,
92
00:03:50,463 --> 00:03:51,388
get one of my belts.
93
00:03:51,464 --> 00:03:52,731
Just fight fire with fire.
94
00:03:52,808 --> 00:03:54,683
Actually, honey,
you fight fire with water.
95
00:03:54,759 --> 00:03:57,269
Okay... well, while
you're doing your thing,
96
00:03:57,345 --> 00:03:59,145
look up something for me
and baby girl to do
97
00:03:59,222 --> 00:04:01,365
tomorrow, okay?
Why don't you just beat her?
98
00:04:02,475 --> 00:04:04,317
WOMAN:
Are you at your fax machine,
Mr. Mac?
99
00:04:04,394 --> 00:04:06,078
Hey, I'm right here
at the fax machine.
100
00:04:06,154 --> 00:04:08,655
Right, ho-hold on, baby,
comin' through.
101
00:04:08,732 --> 00:04:11,408
Yes, sir, hold on.
No, it's not, no, it's not.
102
00:04:11,484 --> 00:04:13,159
I can't see the date.
It's not all the way...
103
00:04:13,236 --> 00:04:14,536
WOMAN:
The date's at the top, sir.
104
00:04:14,612 --> 00:04:15,996
Well, can you overnight it
to me?
105
00:04:16,072 --> 00:04:17,472
WOMAN:
We can't do both, sir.
106
00:04:17,383 --> 00:04:18,774
What do you mean,
you can't do both?
107
00:04:18,850 --> 00:04:20,375
WOMAN: There's no reason
to be rude with me.
108
00:04:20,452 --> 00:04:22,043
Well, how 'bout if I fax it
back to you?
109
00:04:22,120 --> 00:04:23,962
WOMAN:
That's not going to work, sir.
110
00:04:24,039 --> 00:04:25,338
Let me speak to your supervisor.
111
00:04:25,415 --> 00:04:26,890
WOMAN:
I am the supervisor.
112
00:04:26,967 --> 00:04:28,091
Oh, is that right?
113
00:04:28,168 --> 00:04:29,392
WOMAN:
Yes, it is.
114
00:04:29,470 --> 00:04:31,219
Yeah, well, well,
congratulations.
115
00:04:31,296 --> 00:04:33,680
Yeah, yeah. Well, come on,
look here, sister.
116
00:04:33,757 --> 00:04:38,059
(dial tone)
They won't let... hello?
Hello? Hello? Hello?
117
00:04:38,136 --> 00:04:40,395
Can I go to school now?
118
00:04:40,472 --> 00:04:43,740
It's tofu day.
119
00:04:43,817 --> 00:04:45,984
Who ever heard of a kid begging
for a school day?
120
00:04:46,061 --> 00:04:48,820
When I was baby girl's age,
I used to pray for a snow day.
121
00:04:48,897 --> 00:04:50,822
Used to put a thermometer
up to a light
122
00:04:50,833 --> 00:04:52,907
so Big Mama thought
I was burning up,
123
00:04:52,918 --> 00:04:55,035
but baby girl's not like me...
124
00:04:55,111 --> 00:04:59,205
so I'll get her schoolwork,
and watch her little mind grow.
125
00:04:59,282 --> 00:05:01,383
I remember the time
I wanted to be sick,
126
00:05:01,460 --> 00:05:04,294
and Big Mama put a thermometer
in the crack, you know?
127
00:05:04,371 --> 00:05:08,131
Ever since then,
I don't like nothing in my ass.
128
00:05:08,208 --> 00:05:09,299
(running footsteps)
129
00:05:09,310 --> 00:05:11,935
(footsteps stop)
130
00:05:12,012 --> 00:05:13,562
Hmm.
131
00:05:15,840 --> 00:05:17,182
(running footsteps)
132
00:05:17,258 --> 00:05:18,541
Now...
133
00:05:18,319 --> 00:05:20,310
I told you no fighting
up in here, Nessa.
134
00:05:20,387 --> 00:05:23,521
I'm not fighting. I'm hiding.
Bryana's it.
135
00:05:23,598 --> 00:05:24,898
Why you playing?
I thought I told you
136
00:05:24,974 --> 00:05:26,524
to help her
with her homework, Nessa.
137
00:05:26,601 --> 00:05:28,068
This is her homework.
138
00:05:28,144 --> 00:05:29,036
What?
139
00:05:36,736 --> 00:05:39,204
I don't care if it's the best
school in the doggone world.
140
00:05:39,280 --> 00:05:42,332
I'm paying big bucks so baby
girl can go play hide-and-seek
141
00:05:42,409 --> 00:05:43,967
and talk about rainbows?
142
00:05:44,044 --> 00:05:45,335
Look at this bull.
143
00:05:45,346 --> 00:05:47,170
I'm so glad she need shots.
144
00:05:47,247 --> 00:05:48,880
It opened my eyes, America.
145
00:05:48,957 --> 00:05:52,300
This is a high-stake con game,
and I'm not going to be marked.
146
00:05:52,377 --> 00:05:55,220
You know why?
'Cause I'm the Mac.
147
00:05:55,296 --> 00:05:58,231
MS. ALLEN:
Thank you for bringing
Bryana's records, Mr. Mac.
148
00:05:58,308 --> 00:05:59,265
And, although I concede
149
00:05:59,342 --> 00:06:00,600
that, taken out of context,
150
00:06:00,677 --> 00:06:02,936
the lesson plan might
sound a little odd...
151
00:06:03,012 --> 00:06:04,312
Hide-and-seek, Ms. Allen?
152
00:06:04,389 --> 00:06:05,855
It's an exercise
in deductive reasoning.
153
00:06:05,932 --> 00:06:08,650
I have to see that.
Well, actually, we...
154
00:06:08,726 --> 00:06:10,527
welcome your participation.
155
00:06:10,603 --> 00:06:12,070
Uh, next week's parent helper...
156
00:06:12,147 --> 00:06:13,080
Sign me up.
157
00:06:14,899 --> 00:06:16,825
I know what you're saying,
America:
158
00:06:16,901 --> 00:06:19,202
"Bernie Mac, how come
you didn't go off on her
159
00:06:19,279 --> 00:06:21,287
for that old nonsense?"
160
00:06:21,364 --> 00:06:23,123
Because Bernie Mac
is a fair man.
161
00:06:23,199 --> 00:06:25,667
I'm going give them a chance
to show me their way.
162
00:06:25,743 --> 00:06:28,545
Maybe I'll learn something,
but I don't think so.
163
00:06:28,621 --> 00:06:31,723
I really don't think so.
164
00:06:36,713 --> 00:06:38,505
Okay, everyone,
165
00:06:38,148 --> 00:06:41,015
I would like to
introduce you to our
new parent helper,
166
00:06:41,092 --> 00:06:44,185
so say hello to
Bryana's uncle,
167
00:06:44,196 --> 00:06:46,020
Bernie.
168
00:06:46,097 --> 00:06:48,481
KIDS:
Hi, Bernie.
169
00:06:48,558 --> 00:06:50,784
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
It's Mr. Mac.
170
00:06:50,861 --> 00:06:52,277
Oh, no.
171
00:06:52,353 --> 00:06:54,496
Um, we only use
first names here.
172
00:06:55,541 --> 00:06:57,624
It's less hierarchal.
173
00:06:57,701 --> 00:06:59,701
That's crazy.
174
00:06:59,777 --> 00:07:03,246
Hey, uh, you know, we
shouldn't be judgmental.
175
00:07:03,323 --> 00:07:05,340
"Bernie" rhymes
with "turkey".
176
00:07:05,417 --> 00:07:07,125
No, it doesn't.
177
00:07:07,202 --> 00:07:08,418
It's Mr. Mac,
178
00:07:08,429 --> 00:07:10,086
and "Mac" rhymes
with "smack",
179
00:07:10,163 --> 00:07:12,213
like upside your head.
(laughs)
180
00:07:12,290 --> 00:07:13,506
(kids gasping)
181
00:07:13,583 --> 00:07:15,233
Oh, he's so funny.
Bernie, Bernie.
182
00:07:15,144 --> 00:07:18,937
Please... we never
tell the kids that
they're wrong.
183
00:07:19,014 --> 00:07:21,648
That's the problem.
184
00:07:21,725 --> 00:07:26,352
Okay, um, now, class,
it is time to begin
today's lesson,
185
00:07:26,429 --> 00:07:30,773
and Mandy, I believe
it's your turn to decide
what we do today.
186
00:07:30,850 --> 00:07:31,883
She's cute.
Yeah.
187
00:07:31,827 --> 00:07:34,068
Go ahead, Mandy.
How 'bout sandbox?
188
00:07:34,145 --> 00:07:35,361
(gasps)
189
00:07:35,438 --> 00:07:37,113
No, no. Swings.
(gasps)
190
00:07:37,190 --> 00:07:38,823
KIDS:
Yeah!
191
00:07:38,834 --> 00:07:41,209
All right! Very well!
192
00:07:41,286 --> 00:07:43,828
Off you go! Have fun!
193
00:07:43,839 --> 00:07:45,997
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa...
Good work, Bryana.
194
00:07:46,074 --> 00:07:47,332
Good work, sweetheart.
195
00:07:47,408 --> 00:07:48,333
Good work. Have fun.
196
00:07:48,409 --> 00:07:50,268
Wait, wait.
Where they going?
197
00:07:50,345 --> 00:07:52,712
You-you letting 'em go out
because they-they say
they want to go out?
198
00:07:52,789 --> 00:07:53,672
Mm-hmm.
199
00:07:53,515 --> 00:07:54,881
What happened to math
200
00:07:54,958 --> 00:07:56,674
and spelling and science--
stuff they hate?
201
00:07:56,751 --> 00:07:59,636
No, no, no.
See, we feel that, by
allowing the children
202
00:07:59,712 --> 00:08:03,264
to make their own
choices, it enhances
their self-esteem.
203
00:08:03,275 --> 00:08:06,351
Who told you that?
The children?
204
00:08:06,427 --> 00:08:08,186
No. You know what?
You'll see, Bernie.
205
00:08:08,263 --> 00:08:10,104
You know, it's
quite enriching.
206
00:08:10,181 --> 00:08:12,491
That's some bull...
Shh...
207
00:08:13,643 --> 00:08:15,168
WANDA:
Bryana's happy there.
208
00:08:15,244 --> 00:08:17,195
Of course she's happy there--
they don't do no doggone work.
209
00:08:17,272 --> 00:08:20,123
Wanda, they gave a kid
a gold star for only
peeing in his pants once.
210
00:08:20,200 --> 00:08:22,183
"Very good, David."
211
00:08:22,127 --> 00:08:24,494
Callin' grown-up folks
by their first name,
playin' all day.
212
00:08:24,571 --> 00:08:26,204
It's got to stop.
213
00:08:26,281 --> 00:08:27,622
Well, honey, their system
214
00:08:27,699 --> 00:08:30,509
is more developmental
than academic, okay,
215
00:08:30,585 --> 00:08:33,711
and you are there to help,
hence the term "parent helper".
216
00:08:33,788 --> 00:08:35,797
Parent helper? Let me tell you
something, woman.
217
00:08:35,873 --> 00:08:37,799
Only parent helper I had
was Big Mama's black belt,
218
00:08:37,875 --> 00:08:39,217
and that was
like a father to me.
219
00:08:39,294 --> 00:08:40,677
Okay, well, guess what?
220
00:08:40,753 --> 00:08:42,387
Big Mama's black belt
is not the answer
221
00:08:42,463 --> 00:08:44,931
to every situation, okay?
Hmm.
222
00:08:44,942 --> 00:08:48,810
Maybe not, but it's
one hell of an attention getter,
223
00:08:48,886 --> 00:08:52,230
and kids need somebody
who ain't just gonna let them do
224
00:08:52,307 --> 00:08:54,190
what they feel like doing.
225
00:08:54,267 --> 00:08:55,659
They're living in a dreamland,
America,
226
00:08:55,735 --> 00:08:57,360
and I'm going to wake 'em up!
227
00:08:57,437 --> 00:08:59,237
And when the school realizes
that I'm right,
228
00:08:59,314 --> 00:09:01,406
they can thank me later.
229
00:09:01,416 --> 00:09:03,074
JORDAN:
Get out of my room!
230
00:09:03,151 --> 00:09:04,701
Like I said, America,
231
00:09:04,777 --> 00:09:08,463
I'm going to teach them a lesson
right now.
232
00:09:11,159 --> 00:09:12,542
Let him go,
Ow!
233
00:09:12,553 --> 00:09:13,876
I said get out
of my room!
234
00:09:13,953 --> 00:09:15,587
I'm not in your room.
I'm in Bryana's room.
235
00:09:15,663 --> 00:09:16,888
Uh, now, Vanessa,
236
00:09:16,965 --> 00:09:18,590
don't you think
you're splitting hairs here?
237
00:09:18,666 --> 00:09:20,141
This room belongs
to both Bryana and Jordan.
238
00:09:22,312 --> 00:09:24,262
Stop it, stop it.
Now, you keep it up,
239
00:09:24,339 --> 00:09:25,847
I'll cluck your heads together
like Moe.
240
00:09:25,923 --> 00:09:28,441
Honey, now, I'm
trying to teach them
241
00:09:28,518 --> 00:09:29,709
that violence is
not the answer.
242
00:09:29,786 --> 00:09:32,320
If it was up to me,
I'd use a parent helper.
243
00:09:32,397 --> 00:09:34,573
Now, cut it out!
244
00:09:34,649 --> 00:09:36,649
You want to talk
about this?
245
00:09:36,726 --> 00:09:37,859
Hey!
246
00:09:37,935 --> 00:09:39,736
Still standing.
247
00:09:39,812 --> 00:09:41,946
You all know better than that.
248
00:09:42,023 --> 00:09:43,573
Next time I see you,
I'm going to pat you.
249
00:09:43,650 --> 00:09:45,325
Now go on, get out of here.
250
00:09:45,335 --> 00:09:46,784
Hmm.
251
00:09:46,861 --> 00:09:49,629
Can you open this
for me, Bernie?
252
00:09:51,491 --> 00:09:53,416
Sure I can...
253
00:09:53,493 --> 00:09:55,710
and it's Mr. Mac to you.
254
00:09:55,721 --> 00:09:57,420
You might as well
get used to it,
255
00:09:57,497 --> 00:09:59,756
because that's the way it is
in the real world.
256
00:09:59,832 --> 00:10:02,425
If you go in for a job, you
wouldn't call your boss "Clyde."
257
00:10:02,502 --> 00:10:04,052
If you get pulled over
on a DUI,
258
00:10:04,128 --> 00:10:06,679
you wouldn't say "Hey, Clyde"
or "Bobby Joe" to the judge,
259
00:10:06,756 --> 00:10:09,015
unless you want to lose
your driver privileges,
260
00:10:09,092 --> 00:10:11,809
and I know you don't want
to lose your driver privileges,
now, do you?
261
00:10:11,886 --> 00:10:14,437
No, Mr. Mac.
There you go. Now you talking.
262
00:10:14,514 --> 00:10:15,563
Now here, take a swig.
263
00:10:15,640 --> 00:10:18,366
That's a good one. Yeah.
264
00:10:18,443 --> 00:10:20,234
Here, enjoy your juice.
265
00:10:20,311 --> 00:10:22,737
Oh, one more thing.
266
00:10:22,814 --> 00:10:24,697
When you get done,
I want you to use the bathroom.
267
00:10:24,774 --> 00:10:27,450
No more getting no stars
for that, okay?
268
00:10:27,527 --> 00:10:29,577
You're a man. Act like it.
269
00:10:29,654 --> 00:10:32,380
Go on, get out of here.
270
00:10:32,457 --> 00:10:34,999
Hey, baby girl, what's
wrong with you?
271
00:10:35,076 --> 00:10:36,058
Why you not playing?
272
00:10:36,135 --> 00:10:37,669
Timmy won't let me
use the swing.
273
00:10:37,745 --> 00:10:39,337
Oh, yes, he will.
274
00:10:39,414 --> 00:10:42,757
Hey, Timmy, you've
been on that swing
an awful long time.
275
00:10:42,834 --> 00:10:44,258
Why don't you give
somebody else a turn?
276
00:10:44,335 --> 00:10:47,887
I don't have to get off it
if I don't want to, Bernie.
277
00:10:47,964 --> 00:10:50,139
Boy, get your butt off
that swing right now.
278
00:10:50,216 --> 00:10:54,560
Oh, dear, uh, remember,
we don't use command sentences
279
00:10:54,637 --> 00:10:55,812
at Wellington.
280
00:10:55,888 --> 00:10:57,230
We reason with children.
281
00:10:57,306 --> 00:10:58,114
You kiddin', right?
282
00:10:59,434 --> 00:11:01,275
Reason, huh?
283
00:11:01,352 --> 00:11:03,111
I think I got it.
284
00:11:03,187 --> 00:11:05,988
Thank you.
285
00:11:06,065 --> 00:11:09,867
Hey, Timmy, you ever
wonder why you got two
ears and one mouth?
286
00:11:09,878 --> 00:11:10,935
Uh-uh.
287
00:11:11,012 --> 00:11:11,670
Because you should listen
288
00:11:11,746 --> 00:11:12,912
twice as much as you talk.
289
00:11:12,923 --> 00:11:13,871
But...
Ah...
290
00:11:13,948 --> 00:11:15,215
Still got a lot
more listening.
291
00:11:16,668 --> 00:11:18,176
Get your butt
off that swing.
292
00:11:21,330 --> 00:11:23,256
You see how that work, America?
293
00:11:23,332 --> 00:11:24,549
All you people out there
294
00:11:24,625 --> 00:11:26,592
who own little children,
get involved.
295
00:11:26,603 --> 00:11:29,053
All these kids needs
is a little structure
296
00:11:29,130 --> 00:11:30,379
and a little discipline.
297
00:11:30,457 --> 00:11:31,723
Oh, you can make a difference.
298
00:11:31,799 --> 00:11:33,057
Oh, yes, sir, you can.
299
00:11:33,134 --> 00:11:34,559
(laughs)
300
00:11:34,635 --> 00:11:36,644
(teachers murmuring)
Morning, everybody.
301
00:11:36,721 --> 00:11:38,354
(silence)
Hey.
302
00:11:38,431 --> 00:11:39,522
What's happening?
303
00:11:39,599 --> 00:11:40,490
Ruth, Mrs. A.?
304
00:11:40,567 --> 00:11:44,569
Bernie, uh, we need to talk.
305
00:11:44,645 --> 00:11:45,486
Don't go
any further.
306
00:11:45,563 --> 00:11:46,904
I knew it was coming.
307
00:11:46,981 --> 00:11:49,323
They way he hogged the swing
and was sassy...
308
00:11:49,400 --> 00:11:50,324
Actually, uh,
309
00:11:50,401 --> 00:11:51,710
it's about you.
310
00:11:51,786 --> 00:11:52,618
Uh...
311
00:11:52,695 --> 00:11:53,953
You need to go.
312
00:11:54,030 --> 00:11:55,163
What?
313
00:11:55,239 --> 00:11:56,589
Me?
314
00:11:57,509 --> 00:11:58,499
What I do?
315
00:11:58,576 --> 00:11:59,667
My students
have started
316
00:11:59,744 --> 00:12:01,294
calling me
Mr. Matthews.
317
00:12:01,370 --> 00:12:02,545
That's your name, isn't it?
318
00:12:02,622 --> 00:12:03,722
My name
is Chip.
319
00:12:03,798 --> 00:12:05,548
Do you realize how long
it took to get them
320
00:12:05,625 --> 00:12:06,591
to see me
as Chip?
321
00:12:06,667 --> 00:12:07,550
I had to
earn that.
322
00:12:07,627 --> 00:12:09,093
Bernie,
323
00:12:09,170 --> 00:12:10,678
I-I'm sorry.
324
00:12:10,522 --> 00:12:13,097
You-You just have no regard
for the Wellington way.
325
00:12:13,174 --> 00:12:15,558
Well, listen, I don't mean
to step on your self-esteem,
326
00:12:15,635 --> 00:12:17,485
but your Wellington way
is a bunch of bull.
327
00:12:17,562 --> 00:12:18,853
You all supposed
to be getting
328
00:12:18,864 --> 00:12:20,780
baby girl prepared
for the real world.
329
00:12:20,857 --> 00:12:22,064
From what we've observed,
Bernie,
330
00:12:22,141 --> 00:12:23,608
we're the best hope
that child has.
331
00:12:23,684 --> 00:12:24,734
Is that right?
332
00:12:24,745 --> 00:12:26,778
Well, from what I observed,
Chip,
333
00:12:26,854 --> 00:12:29,038
I'm taking baby girl out
of this loony bin.
334
00:12:30,399 --> 00:12:31,166
Right now.
335
00:12:31,242 --> 00:12:33,451
Oh.
336
00:12:33,528 --> 00:12:36,963
And, by the way,
they call me Mr. Mac.
337
00:12:38,908 --> 00:12:40,800
(all talking at once)
338
00:12:48,843 --> 00:12:50,468
Hi, honey.
339
00:12:50,545 --> 00:12:51,552
Hey, baby.
340
00:12:51,629 --> 00:12:53,554
This should get
the edge off, huh?
341
00:12:53,631 --> 00:12:54,764
So, how did things go today?
342
00:12:54,841 --> 00:12:55,774
Everything went
good today.
343
00:12:55,850 --> 00:12:57,767
I took Bryana out.
344
00:12:57,844 --> 00:12:59,218
You took her out of what?
345
00:12:59,196 --> 00:13:01,354
I took her out of school--
out of Wellington.
346
00:13:01,430 --> 00:13:02,897
Without talking to me?!
347
00:13:02,974 --> 00:13:04,148
You didn't talk to me
348
00:13:04,225 --> 00:13:05,691
when you ordered Chinese food
last night.
349
00:13:05,768 --> 00:13:07,819
Did I complain about
the spicy shrimp? No.
350
00:13:07,895 --> 00:13:08,986
For about an hour.
351
00:13:09,063 --> 00:13:10,822
Who takes their child
out of school
352
00:13:10,898 --> 00:13:12,490
in the middle
of the school year?
353
00:13:12,567 --> 00:13:13,574
I can't believe you.
354
00:13:13,651 --> 00:13:15,034
Baby girl need to focus
on something
355
00:13:15,111 --> 00:13:16,244
like math and spelling,
sweetheart,
356
00:13:16,320 --> 00:13:17,995
instead of playing tag
and tiddlywinks.
357
00:13:18,072 --> 00:13:20,215
Oh, I know I should
have consulted
358
00:13:20,291 --> 00:13:22,667
with you, Wanda,
but I feel strongly about this.
359
00:13:22,743 --> 00:13:24,585
Look, you got the
kids cooperating.
360
00:13:24,662 --> 00:13:25,753
Why not us?
361
00:13:25,830 --> 00:13:27,630
Come on, baby.
362
00:13:27,707 --> 00:13:29,966
(sighs)
Fine.
363
00:13:30,042 --> 00:13:31,851
Thank you. Come here.
364
00:13:33,087 --> 00:13:34,971
Put some suds in here
and do it right, okay?
365
00:13:35,047 --> 00:13:37,023
That's my ba...
(scoffs)
366
00:13:42,221 --> 00:13:43,980
Now, I know
my baby Wanda's upset
367
00:13:44,056 --> 00:13:45,949
that I pulled baby girl out
of Wellington,
368
00:13:46,025 --> 00:13:48,618
but what's going on over there
sure ain't learning.
369
00:13:48,695 --> 00:13:49,986
The Wellington way?
370
00:13:49,996 --> 00:13:51,863
More like the United Way.
371
00:13:51,939 --> 00:13:53,698
Turn these kids
into a charity case.
372
00:13:53,708 --> 00:13:55,449
Well, I say, no way.
373
00:13:55,460 --> 00:13:57,961
If Bernie Mac going to pay
to send baby girl to school,
374
00:13:58,037 --> 00:13:59,704
then she's going to school.
375
00:13:59,780 --> 00:14:01,873
A real school.
376
00:14:01,949 --> 00:14:04,259
And that's for real.
377
00:14:07,463 --> 00:14:09,222
Another Mac?
378
00:14:10,291 --> 00:14:12,216
Well, I'm sure
the girl could benefit
379
00:14:12,293 --> 00:14:14,760
from an earlier exposure
to Jesus than the boy.
380
00:14:14,837 --> 00:14:15,928
Oh, Father, thank you.
381
00:14:16,005 --> 00:14:17,388
I mean, I know
382
00:14:17,465 --> 00:14:18,890
the girl could use
a little structure.
383
00:14:18,966 --> 00:14:20,600
We'll be here first thing
in the morning.
384
00:14:20,676 --> 00:14:23,236
(coughing)
385
00:14:24,597 --> 00:14:27,365
Mr. Mac, you know
we do have a screening process.
386
00:14:27,442 --> 00:14:30,869
Father, you-you said
you had a policy for siblings.
387
00:14:30,945 --> 00:14:32,862
In most cases, yes.
388
00:14:32,939 --> 00:14:34,581
In Jordan's case...
389
00:14:36,067 --> 00:14:37,909
Three nuns quit
on account of Jordan.
390
00:14:37,985 --> 00:14:40,003
I can't keep losing my clergy.
391
00:14:41,864 --> 00:14:44,090
Do they share the same seed?
392
00:14:45,868 --> 00:14:47,427
How full is her sin cup?
393
00:14:48,963 --> 00:14:51,222
Does she speak the language
of the devil?
394
00:14:53,602 --> 00:14:55,593
(sighs)
395
00:14:55,604 --> 00:14:58,304
Bring her in tomorrow,
and I'll have a look at her.
396
00:14:58,315 --> 00:15:02,233
I'll splash some holy water
on her, see if it sizzles.
397
00:15:03,552 --> 00:15:05,436
Wow.
398
00:15:05,513 --> 00:15:08,147
BERNIE:
Man, this is one
prestigious wall
399
00:15:08,224 --> 00:15:09,315
you got here, partner.
400
00:15:09,392 --> 00:15:11,567
You got to have a long
waiting list.
401
00:15:11,644 --> 00:15:15,404
Actually, your niece sounds
like a wonderful young lady.
402
00:15:15,481 --> 00:15:18,741
If you would like,
she can start this week.
403
00:15:18,818 --> 00:15:19,792
You're kidding?
404
00:15:19,869 --> 00:15:20,919
This week, huh?
Yes.
405
00:15:20,995 --> 00:15:22,662
Candidates
with your qualifications--
406
00:15:22,738 --> 00:15:25,373
board gives me a little bit
of a leeway there.
407
00:15:25,449 --> 00:15:28,417
All you have to do is become one
of our Diamond Donors.
408
00:15:28,428 --> 00:15:30,044
Donors?
409
00:15:30,121 --> 00:15:31,971
Yeah. It's
a win-win situation.
410
00:15:32,048 --> 00:15:33,297
Your Diamond-level support
411
00:15:33,374 --> 00:15:35,591
of our new Braelawn
Aquatic Center ensures
412
00:15:35,668 --> 00:15:36,717
your nephew's acceptance.
413
00:15:36,728 --> 00:15:39,720
You mean my niece.
414
00:15:39,797 --> 00:15:41,263
Whatever.
415
00:15:41,340 --> 00:15:42,765
(chuckles)
416
00:15:42,842 --> 00:15:44,943
(sinister laugh)
417
00:15:45,019 --> 00:15:47,311
Uh, we-we we would be honored
418
00:15:47,388 --> 00:15:50,272
to have your niece join us here
at Cooney Elementary.
419
00:15:50,349 --> 00:15:52,608
I think that's great,
because this school reminds me
420
00:15:52,685 --> 00:15:53,809
of my old elementary school.
421
00:15:53,887 --> 00:15:55,069
Yes, Officer,
I can confirm
422
00:15:55,146 --> 00:15:56,746
that Johnny was
playing dodgeball
423
00:15:56,823 --> 00:15:58,498
between the hours
of 2:00 and 4:00.
424
00:15:58,574 --> 00:15:59,666
(clears throat)
425
00:15:59,742 --> 00:16:01,309
Um, did I mention
426
00:16:01,252 --> 00:16:03,786
that 55% of our students
are reading at grade level?
427
00:16:03,863 --> 00:16:05,037
No, you didn't.
428
00:16:05,114 --> 00:16:06,956
But let me ask you a question.
429
00:16:06,967 --> 00:16:08,582
What about the other 45%?
430
00:16:08,659 --> 00:16:11,293
I did not
see a gun.
431
00:16:11,370 --> 00:16:12,628
Yes.
432
00:16:12,705 --> 00:16:13,838
I will testify.
433
00:16:13,848 --> 00:16:17,266
I'm going to
need a sub
tomorrow.
434
00:16:19,854 --> 00:16:21,479
(laughs)
435
00:16:27,261 --> 00:16:28,728
Wellington is still
holding her spot.
436
00:16:28,804 --> 00:16:29,937
Why don't we
just put her back?
437
00:16:30,014 --> 00:16:31,355
Thank you.
438
00:16:31,432 --> 00:16:33,783
Before I do that,
I'd teach her myself.
439
00:16:35,269 --> 00:16:37,319
And how long are you
going to do that?
440
00:16:37,396 --> 00:16:39,071
Until we find
another school.
441
00:16:39,148 --> 00:16:40,364
Simple as that.
442
00:16:40,441 --> 00:16:42,375
Until we find
another school.
443
00:16:52,453 --> 00:16:54,303
Good.
444
00:16:57,592 --> 00:16:58,865
Ding-ding, baby girl.
445
00:16:58,643 --> 00:17:00,384
Ding-ding,
the school bell's ringing.
446
00:17:00,395 --> 00:17:02,762
Come on now.
447
00:17:02,838 --> 00:17:04,013
Ooh, crayons.
448
00:17:04,090 --> 00:17:05,473
No, no, no, no, no.
Not right now.
449
00:17:05,549 --> 00:17:07,600
Today we're going
to start with math.
450
00:17:07,676 --> 00:17:08,768
How come?
451
00:17:08,844 --> 00:17:09,994
Because, in the real world,
452
00:17:10,070 --> 00:17:11,353
with stuff called
money, sweetheart,
453
00:17:11,430 --> 00:17:12,772
you wanna know
how to count.
454
00:17:12,782 --> 00:17:14,148
Trust me.
455
00:17:14,225 --> 00:17:15,742
Let's go outside.
No, no.
456
00:17:15,818 --> 00:17:17,026
It's better if we start inside.
457
00:17:17,103 --> 00:17:17,902
Like your new chalkboard?
458
00:17:17,912 --> 00:17:19,820
Ooh, let's draw.
459
00:17:19,897 --> 00:17:22,323
Ah, ah, ah...
Let's do this.
460
00:17:22,399 --> 00:17:23,908
Let's pretend that this
crayon's money, okay?
461
00:17:23,918 --> 00:17:27,745
Let's say that we
both have one, two,
462
00:17:27,756 --> 00:17:29,330
three, four dollars.
463
00:17:29,406 --> 00:17:32,792
And if I give you one
of mine, sweetheart,
464
00:17:32,868 --> 00:17:34,427
how much do we have?
465
00:17:34,504 --> 00:17:35,669
Say please.
466
00:17:35,746 --> 00:17:37,505
What?
467
00:17:37,581 --> 00:17:38,798
Please.
468
00:17:42,628 --> 00:17:43,836
JORDAN:
Nuh-uh.
469
00:17:43,646 --> 00:17:45,179
VANESSA: Uh-huh.
Nuh-uh.
Get out!
470
00:17:45,190 --> 00:17:46,847
Get out!
Get out.
471
00:17:46,924 --> 00:17:48,933
No. Get out.
Get out now!
472
00:17:48,943 --> 00:17:50,142
Get out.
473
00:17:50,219 --> 00:17:51,602
Please get out, please...
No, no.
474
00:17:51,679 --> 00:17:52,895
Get out.
Get out!
475
00:17:52,972 --> 00:17:55,648
Honey, those two are going
to be the death of me.
476
00:17:55,724 --> 00:17:58,651
At least they know
how to use command sentences.
477
00:17:58,727 --> 00:18:01,654
Well, you know, maybe, uh,
you might want
478
00:18:01,730 --> 00:18:04,782
to make tomorrow's lesson plan
a little more...
479
00:18:04,859 --> 00:18:06,867
interesting.
480
00:18:06,944 --> 00:18:07,960
Baby, I was hoping
481
00:18:08,037 --> 00:18:09,378
tomorrow would be your day
to teach.
482
00:18:09,455 --> 00:18:11,956
No.
483
00:18:11,966 --> 00:18:13,124
Wanda?
484
00:18:13,200 --> 00:18:14,634
Love you, honey.
485
00:18:20,049 --> 00:18:21,340
Who am I fooling?
486
00:18:21,417 --> 00:18:23,050
I'm nobody's teacher.
487
00:18:23,127 --> 00:18:25,052
I'm a comedian, America.
488
00:18:25,129 --> 00:18:26,470
But the joke going
to be on baby girl
489
00:18:26,547 --> 00:18:27,972
if I don't get her back
in school.
490
00:18:28,048 --> 00:18:29,682
But not Wellington.
491
00:18:29,758 --> 00:18:30,650
Hell, no.
492
00:18:30,726 --> 00:18:32,184
They didn't teach her
not one thing
493
00:18:32,261 --> 00:18:33,727
to prepare her
for the real world.
494
00:18:33,738 --> 00:18:34,979
Not one thing.
495
00:18:35,055 --> 00:18:37,106
VANESSA:
I am going to kill you.
496
00:18:37,183 --> 00:18:38,407
Excuse me, America.
(Jordan screaming)
497
00:18:38,484 --> 00:18:39,817
Excuse me.
498
00:18:39,828 --> 00:18:42,528
Not one thing, I tell you.
499
00:18:42,605 --> 00:18:43,538
Clean it up.
500
00:18:43,614 --> 00:18:44,838
You clean it up.
501
00:18:44,749 --> 00:18:46,198
You're the one who
threw it on the floor.
502
00:18:46,275 --> 00:18:47,825
What's going on here?
503
00:18:47,902 --> 00:18:49,743
He dumped garbage
all over my floor
and won't clean it up.
504
00:18:49,754 --> 00:18:50,953
Why should I?
505
00:18:51,030 --> 00:18:53,164
It's not my room.
506
00:18:53,240 --> 00:18:54,841
Ooh, hey, hey,
where you going?
507
00:19:02,082 --> 00:19:04,517
That's it!
508
00:19:04,594 --> 00:19:06,010
Hey, baby. Baby,
where you going?
509
00:19:06,086 --> 00:19:07,344
I'm going to get a belt.
510
00:19:07,421 --> 00:19:08,429
Don't use one of
your skinny ones.
511
00:19:08,505 --> 00:19:09,471
Get one of
my gators.
512
00:19:09,548 --> 00:19:10,648
They got a hell
of a bite.
513
00:19:10,725 --> 00:19:11,765
Thank you.
514
00:19:11,776 --> 00:19:12,775
You're welcome.
515
00:19:12,852 --> 00:19:14,059
JORDAN:
What?
516
00:19:14,136 --> 00:19:15,728
You want us
to use patience puppets?
517
00:19:15,804 --> 00:19:17,021
You be the mouth.
518
00:19:17,097 --> 00:19:18,138
VANESSA:
And I suppose
519
00:19:18,216 --> 00:19:20,199
I'm supposed
to be the ear?
520
00:19:21,536 --> 00:19:22,660
(grunts)
521
00:19:22,737 --> 00:19:23,694
(laughs)
522
00:19:23,705 --> 00:19:24,912
Patience puppets.
523
00:19:24,989 --> 00:19:26,289
Where does she even
get this stuff?
524
00:19:26,365 --> 00:19:29,167
JORDAN:
Nah, nah, nah, nah.
I'm so sorry.
525
00:19:29,243 --> 00:19:30,743
I'm so sorry.
I can't hear you.
526
00:19:30,819 --> 00:19:32,036
I'm so sorry.
527
00:19:32,046 --> 00:19:33,871
I can't hear you.
Can you hear me?
528
00:19:33,882 --> 00:19:34,872
JORDAN:
Can you hear me?
529
00:19:34,949 --> 00:19:36,373
Little louder.
530
00:19:36,450 --> 00:19:37,541
(loudly):
Can you hear me?
531
00:19:37,618 --> 00:19:38,709
Too loud.
532
00:19:38,786 --> 00:19:40,794
I'm so sorry.
533
00:19:40,805 --> 00:19:42,213
You see that, America?
534
00:19:42,223 --> 00:19:43,923
That ain't the old school way.
535
00:19:43,999 --> 00:19:45,057
See, in the old days,
536
00:19:45,134 --> 00:19:46,842
when people got
into an argument,
537
00:19:46,919 --> 00:19:48,419
we went out to the porch.
538
00:19:48,495 --> 00:19:51,096
But baby girl-- she walked right
in the middle of it,
539
00:19:51,173 --> 00:19:52,681
put herself in harm's way.
540
00:19:52,758 --> 00:19:55,100
Tried to solve other people's
problem.
541
00:19:55,177 --> 00:19:56,727
Like a little
Martin Luther King.
542
00:19:56,804 --> 00:19:58,229
Crazy.
543
00:19:58,305 --> 00:19:59,563
But she didn't learn that
from me.
544
00:19:59,640 --> 00:20:02,325
Maybe there is something
to the Wellington way.
545
00:20:02,401 --> 00:20:04,735
Maybe there is.
546
00:20:04,812 --> 00:20:07,571
(whispering)
What?
547
00:20:07,648 --> 00:20:09,198
Where are they?
Baby, it's over.
548
00:20:09,275 --> 00:20:10,449
I told you, that's
what they do.
549
00:20:10,526 --> 00:20:12,058
They're kids.
They fight.
550
00:20:11,836 --> 00:20:13,628
Now they're
in the kitchen
getting a snack.
551
00:20:13,704 --> 00:20:16,705
Well, I'm going to go
to the kitchen,
552
00:20:16,782 --> 00:20:20,376
and if they so much as look
at me, the gator's going to...
553
00:20:20,452 --> 00:20:21,427
(belt makes whipping noise)
...bite!
554
00:20:24,999 --> 00:20:26,924
You next.
555
00:20:27,001 --> 00:20:28,008
Hmm?
556
00:20:28,085 --> 00:20:29,644
(whispering)
557
00:20:32,339 --> 00:20:34,265
Bryana, we missed you.
558
00:20:34,341 --> 00:20:35,432
Welcome back.
559
00:20:35,509 --> 00:20:36,934
Go on in, baby.
560
00:20:37,011 --> 00:20:39,645
I'm so glad you
changed your mind,
561
00:20:39,722 --> 00:20:40,854
Mr. Mac.
562
00:20:40,931 --> 00:20:42,531
Well, I'll admit it.
563
00:20:42,608 --> 00:20:44,942
Can't say I understand
everything that's going
on here,
564
00:20:45,019 --> 00:20:46,402
but I can't say
565
00:20:46,412 --> 00:20:47,861
baby girl isn't
getting something out it.
566
00:20:47,938 --> 00:20:49,905
Thank you.
567
00:20:49,982 --> 00:20:52,583
You're welcome,
Miss Alhorn.
568
00:20:56,238 --> 00:20:58,872
You know, America,
Bernie Mac is old school
569
00:20:58,949 --> 00:21:01,000
and proud of it.
570
00:21:01,076 --> 00:21:02,326
But things are different now.
571
00:21:02,403 --> 00:21:04,887
And maybe my way isn't
for everybody.
572
00:21:04,964 --> 00:21:07,923
JORDAN: Ow, Vanessa! Ow!
WANDA: I am getting the belt.
573
00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:09,800
(laughs)
574
00:21:09,877 --> 00:21:12,970
Well, sometimes,
it's just what you need.
575
00:21:13,047 --> 00:21:14,330
Oh, this going to be good.
576
00:21:14,407 --> 00:21:17,316
This is going to be real good.
577
00:21:24,141 --> 00:21:25,065
in the doggone world.
578
00:21:25,142 --> 00:21:26,224
I'm paying big bucks
579
00:21:26,302 --> 00:21:27,568
so baby girl can go
play hide-and-seek
580
00:21:27,644 --> 00:21:28,569
and talk about rainbow?
581
00:21:28,645 --> 00:21:29,778
Look at this bull.
582
00:21:29,789 --> 00:21:31,572
I'm-I'm I'm, you know...
583
00:21:31,582 --> 00:21:33,741
Uh... give it back to me.
584
00:21:33,817 --> 00:21:35,909
I just don't
know right now.
585
00:21:35,920 --> 00:21:40,372
Hey! I'm going to rip
your lungs out.
586
00:21:40,449 --> 00:21:42,550
It was an accident.
587
00:21:42,626 --> 00:21:43,751
Keep it down.
(wincing)
588
00:21:43,827 --> 00:21:46,679
What happened to you?
(laughter)
589
00:21:46,756 --> 00:21:48,047
You hit your knee?
590
00:21:48,057 --> 00:21:49,423
Yeah!!
591
00:21:49,500 --> 00:21:50,632
(groans, laughter)
592
00:21:50,709 --> 00:21:52,018
You okay?
You all right?
593
00:21:52,878 --> 00:21:55,730
Captioned by VISUAL DATA